Kids Say the Darndest Things, part 2

Seriously, I need a 24 hour nanny cam or FBI bugging devices to catch all these.

Poop and Boogies:
Chris was home with the girls today. Ellie was digging in her diaper and got poop on her hand. Apparently she freaked out, and most of the day she has been saying that she has poop on her hand, even though it was thoroughly washed. So when they came to pick me up at work, Chris relayed the story to me, and he said something to Ellie about it, but rather than Ellie responding, Abbie said, "Ellie do you have poop-hands?" Ellie said, "YEAH!"

Starting them Young:
Ellie was in the basement playing with our new mop. When I asked her what she was doing, she said, "Cleanin up cat puke."

Day Late and a Dollar Short:
A few days ago, we were coming home from the babysitters and had to stop at a stoplight by a convenience store. There was a minivan wanting to pull out, so I was nice and let him out. (Yes, write it down, I was nice to a minivan driver.) What I didn't realize was that he wanted to pull all the way across and make a left turn at the actual light which was only about 2 car lengths from us. Apparently the guy next to me didn't intuitively know this either as the minivan cut him off and abruptly stopped at the light to turn. So the guy next to me starts honking and gesturing at the minivan. Abbie, who was on that side, asked me why that car was honking and I told her that the person in the other car was mad at him for pulling out in front of him. Apparently she understood the word mad and said, "Ellie, did you see that?? Did you see that Ellie? Did you hear the honking?" Ellie was intently looking out her window and didn't acknowledge Abbie at all. By this time, the light has turned green and we are going through the intersection. Abbie continues questioning Sister about the incident, "Did you see that Sistah?" and she's getting more upset at the situation. Ellie is still quietly looking out her window, not saying a word. Finally about a block from the site of the incident and as Abbie is getting louder and louder, Ellie finally chimes in a very sympathetic and equally exasperated, "Yeah!"

All I Have to do is Dream:
So I will admit it: Eleanor spends almost every night sleeping with us. Last night, (actually more like this morning, but who's counting) she shouts out in her sleep, "Bottle and French fries!!!!!" I would love to know what that dream was about.

Never a dull moment here at Casa de Gato y Ninas. I have to go now as I hear Abbie asking Eleanor to help her with something. That's never a good sign.
Until next time, patience.

Kids say the darndest things

Especially Abbie. Seriously, that girl is funny without knowing it. I wish I could record her nighttime routine for you. Maybe I will work on a way to do that, because that it classic comedy right there.
OH! And btw, Yoda is just fine. The vet was shocked that she is as old as she is. She has a few small cataracts, but she thinks the peeing incident was due to holding it way too long. Phew.
Anyway, back to Abigail. Below are a few choice quotes for your reading pleasure.


Exasperation:
The girls were playing in the basement a few weeks ago, and Abbie had one of their brooms. She was wielding it over her head like sword and shouting, "SWEEP, SWEEP!" After a few close calls with a shelf of knickknacks, I told her to be careful where she was swinging her broom. She loudly sighed and announced, "I can't do ANYthing," put down the broom and went on to pout and torture a cat.

Revelations:
It's no secret that pizza is a Gacek's favorite food. Abigail particularly loves it. After a few week drought of "restaurant" pizza, we ordered one from Davannis. Abigail saw the box and started clapping and wanted up into her chair immediately. After a few minutes of total silence (which, if you have been at our house during dinner NEVER happens), Miss A exclaims, "This is so GOOD!" She then turned her attention to the canned Nibblet corn pile and said, "mmmmm, delicious!"

Revelations pt 2:
Every morning, the girls watch Sesame Street on Sprout (PBS Kid channel on Directv). Judging by the Maria's hair and Luis's lack of wrinkles, I am guessing that these are all from right around 1998 or so. So on this particular day, n*Sync was on performing their song "Believe in Yourself," which I am sure was written just for the Street. As the camera pans the group, Abigail notices Justin Timberlake and the really awful bucket hat he is wearing. "Who's thaaat," she asked very dreamily. The girls have bucket hats that they just adore, and frequently will point out when others wear these same hats, so it's no surprise that Justy was singled out here, although the tone was a little disarming. I told her, "Justin Timberlake and the group is n*Sync." To which she breathily responded, "Ohhhhh, Justin." Apparently Justin isn't just a teen heartthrob-he's also big with the toddler set.

Depot Love
Yesterday, my parents were watching the girls and decided to do some shopping. As they were driving, the passed a Home Depot. Abbie excitedly shrieked, "DEPOT!! I see the Depot! MY DEPOT!! Can we go there??" Some kids have Toys R Us, Abbie has home improvement stores.

Confusion
Last weekend we were in Trader Joe's. If you have ever been, you will know that their employees are annoyingly upbeat and kinda in your face. So the Bear and I are going through the dairy section, and I am handing her some raisins, just as a worker passes us. He loudly announces, "Raisins?! I love raisins!!" And then he walked away. Abbie raised her eyebrow, looked at me and said, "What just happened?" I wish I knew, Baby.

Piece de Resistance
First rule, always save the best for last: every nite, A goes through a list of things that are wrong, "I have a hair (in my mouth). I have a fingernail (hangnail). My bottle tipped over! It's dripping! It's dripping! I have poopies." and on and on. Well, on this particular night I told her, "Wow Abbie. Do you have issues?" To which she said, "I have no issues, I wear boots."


Out of the mouths of babes, dear readers. I hope all is well and until next time, persistance.

May the Force be with You

Yoda the cat is sick. She isn't quite 900, but at almost 17, we think, it's probably pretty close in cat years.

She's always the canary in the coal mine whereas the sandbox is concerned, but even so, in the almost 5 years that I have known her, she has intentionally peed outside the box maybe 3 times. Well, make that 4 or 5. Last week, the box was bad, but the downstairs family room smelled horrible. So I let my nose do the walking and found 3 huge puddles of neon yellow, thick pee right in the spot where the girls run. This is classic Yoda. She usually will pick a spot where we will find it, although it's usually by Chris's things.

Anyway, I cleaned it up with all the special stink no more stuff, but I could still smell it, almost stronger. Moving some toys and heading west, I found it in the girls' play tunnel. Suffice it to say that if you were looking for a present for them, a new tunnel would be a good thing as the existing one is toast.

So why, do you ask, do I think it's Yods and not one of the other 3? Well, the a fore mentioned canary bit, and then a wholy cat behavior that I witnessed yesterday have pretty much sealed it. If any of you have had cats, especially more than one at a time, and one is sick or weaker, the dominant ones will shun it. In our brood, Frank is the alpha. So yesterday, the girls and I are in the basement playing and Yoda comes limping over (she's got some arthritis, probably from when she fell off the deck a few years ago). At the same time, Frank walked past and loudly hissed at her. Now Frank is not a hisser. I have only heard him hiss at Guiseppi when he is really ticking Frank off, or, back in the day when I had Lily and he felt she was the weakes link.

So she goes in tonight for the once over. Keep her in your thoughts. 16 is really old for a kitty and Yoda is a pretty special one. May the force be with you, Yods.

How I spent my Christmas Vacation

Yes, dear readers, the ring master had a whole week off over Christmas and New Years. Although I had many ambitious ideas of how to spend my time, the weather had other ideas for me. In the end, I only got one accomplished, but it was a big 'un!
Behold the fruit of my labor:
Yes, that's right friends, slowly but surely the monotone flesh colored walls are disappearing. And if this green looks familiar, it should. It is the same color as the living room at the old house. Chris and I combined forces to do this, too:


This is the pass-through room which we use as an office. We have also done the hallway and downstairs stairwell in a greenish khaki. Next up is the girls' room, which is going to be yellow, then the kitchen (the same color yellow as our old house living room), and our bedroom (in a lovely terra cotta). Our goal is to have a whole new palate by the time the girls' birthday party rolls around (which is scheduled for March 21-be there or be square).

A Most Humbling Target Experience

**Author's warning: this entry contains a graphic description last night's Target run...reader discretion advised. In other words, don't read this on your lunch break**

So here's a shocker: the girls had the stomach flu. I swear they NEVER get colds. I could put them naked in the snow for 40 minutes and they wouldn't get so much as a sniffle (Please note this is theoretical-I would never put them naked into the snow, so don't call Child Protection!).

Abigail started dry heaving at 2 in the morning Tuesday - I DID warn you - and was full-on sick by 6. But then after a few quick purges and a long morning nap, it seemed she had kicked the bug and was ready to run in circles and shove Sister with all her might. They both ate dinner like troopers, although understandably so, Abigail picked at her food a little more than normal.

We thought we were all good to take the weekly trek to Target for supplies. So we headed the roughly 5 blocks down and 9 blocks over to the local Super-store where we each grabbed our respective girl (I took Abbie, Chris took Ellie-this is a pattern that is almost a constant in every aspect of our lives) and a cart and negotiated through the aisles with our list.

Back at Casa de Gato y Ninas, we had promised the girls that we would look through the toy section if they were good. I wanted to hit the clearance aisles in clothing, as I had heard good things. We also wanted to take an inventory of toys as the girls' birthday is fast approaching and we wanted to sound intelligent, hip, and generally with it when people asked us what they could use in the entertainment area of their lives. Both girls did really well letting go of the Yo Gabba toys and the dolls and bike helmets that accumulated as we traversed the section.

Our main goals accomplished, we decided it was time to hit the checkouts and get home. So, Eleanor and Chris headed off down the main aisle with Abigail and I. We got about one aisle away from toys when I heard 3 things: SPLAT, expletive from Chris, and then Eleanor crying hysterically. I started to say, "What happened?" Chris loudly said, "STOP!" As I tried to stop, I started to slip and then finally looked down to notice that I was standing in a pile of puke. Abbie deftly said, "Uh-oh. Sister's crying. What's wrong Sistah? Oh. OOPS!"

The next few minutes were a blur, but I know I did call the operator. She didn't seem to be getting that "sick" equals ralphed all over your floor and snappy red cart, just in a gentler way. Finally, light dawned on darkened skies as she said, "OH! You mean she...vomited?" Apparently vomited is one of those words that like cancer and polyps, must be whispered so it doesn't affect you. Anyway, a red-shirted girl appeared almost instantly with a huge walkie talkie. We were, of course very apologetic to her, because every parent plans and hopes for A) their child to blow chunks in public and B) to have apologize profusely to the 16 year old kid who has to clean it up.

At this point, we switched babies and the still crying E and I headed for the bathroom and Abbie and Chris went to pay for our stuff. Well, after a difficult 3 minutes of gagging and wretching, I gave up trying to clean the poor girl up. As we exited the family restroom, I ran into the sullen kid who was sent to mop the floor in aisle 68, gave him our nasty cart and pretty much booked out of the store.

So there you have it Dear Readers, every parent's worst nightmare. Well, at least it's right up there with your dear child either swearing loudly or uttering family secrets in public. To be honest, I think I'd gladly take the F-bomb in church over public vomiting. Hopefully we never have to do that experience again, but knowing our luck, we probably will. Let's just hope that Tyler the cart attendant is off that night.

New Heads

Let's play a game.
Can you guess which baby this is?? No cheating!
If you guess Eleanor, you are just plain wrong! It's Abo! That's right dear readers, Billy Ray Cyrus's smaller female stunt double no long resides among us.
Time for some before and after:

Before:
After:

Before:
After:

This is also the new Abigail face. She is saying, "CHEESE!" Cute, right?

On the Shelves Next Summer: 101 Handy Uses for Mac and Cheese by Monkey and Bear

In these trying times, Monkey and Bear are researching ways to help save money. Since they are only 19 months, their resources are limited, but they do have a lot of access to macaroni noodles and cheese sauce. They have been working diligently on their research and have compiled it into their forthcoming book 101 Handy Uses for Macaroni and Cheese, published by Penguin and on shelves next summer. Below are some of their newer findings. Enjoy and stay tuned for their upcoming book tour!

• If you are on a budget and your child needs PE (pressure equalizing) tubes, simply stick some elbow macaroni with cheese sauce on it in her ears and Voila! The noodle will open the ear and the sauce holds it in.
  
• Another handy use for said macaroni and cheese: earplugs. This is Abigail's over all fav.
  
• Cheese sauce can double as hair gel.
• At a loss for how to wear your hair for your big date? Try rubbing a few noodles with cheese through those hairs just above your ears for a snazzy decoration.
• Too young for pierced ears? No problem! Just stick a noodle on each ear and problem solved!

Need more tips? Contact your local bookseller about preordering their book today and you can get the handy companion book *352 Things That Fit Down a Laundry Chute. But wait! There's more! Order your copy today and you can get Monkey and Bear's first book **The Toddler's Guide on How to Condition Your Parent for the low, low price of $19.99! That's right, 3 timeless treasures for under twenty dollars! Call now, operators are standing by.



*Exerpt from 352 Things That Fit down a Laundry Chute:

267.) Dirty Diapers
268.) Any shoe in the house, although Daddy-sized ones can get stuck
269.) Cats Authors' note: This posture is only theoretical as neither Monkey nor Bear has been able to coax and lift one high enough to test the theory.
270.) Soda cans
271.) The Sunday paper

**Exerpt from The Toddler's Guide on How to Condition Your Parents

Chapter 82: Don't Go Silently Into That Good Night
As we have discussed in previous chapters, it is always recommended to keep your parents off their guards. This is especially true and easy in reference to sleep. It has been our experience that a sleep deprived parent is a controllable parent. Want to watch "Abby's First Sleepover" 600 times? Simply pretend that there is electrified force field surrounding your bedroom that shocks anyone under the age of 5 when crossed. Scream at the proper decible level described in chapter 36 (Screaming Cuz We Like To) and for added affect, do the noodle technique as described in chapter 51 (Affective Tantrum Throwing and You). If properly executed, you should be able to watch that episode of Sesame Street over and over. Good Luck!